Church Software Rep Calls On Peter, The Apostle

February 13th 2019

What would it look like if today’s church management providers engaged with a biblical apostle regarding discipleship tracking?

[Probably nothing like this]


circa A.D. 33. Somewhere in Jerusalem.

Rep: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Your Honor. I mean, Your Apostleship. Simon, Peter sir. I’m sorry; what should I call you?

Peter: Peter is fine. Though Jesus did call me Rock that one time.

Rep: Well, whatever Simon says! Get it? Simon . . .

Peter: Huh. Never heard that one before.

Rep: *cough* . . . Well, lucky for you, our software lets you store any number of names and nicknames. I understand there’s another Simon among The Epistles.

Peter: Apostles. Yeah, and two Jameseses-es . . . two Jims. Hey, does your software run spell check? I always have trouble with Thaddeus. I always want to spell it Thadious. Anyway, I don’t know if you heard, but the church grew by 3,000 people in one day, and the Lord’s adding more to the church every day. It’s hard to keep up.

Rep: Actually, Peter, that’s why I’m here. Let’s say you want to baptize all those new folks . . .

Peter: Did that.

Rep: Oh, right. You’ll want to keep track of baptisms, births, deaths, resurrections. We recently added that last category.

Peter: Can you help us track what people give?

Rep: Absolutely! The software is integrated with QuickBooks, so you can keep precise records of all the giving.

Peter: I hope so. It’s always tricky to get the count right when people give loaves and fishes.

Rep: I’ve heard that. Well, if anyone gives it or joins it or attends it, you can keep track of it.

Peter: And we gotta remember to record Matthias’s info—though for a guy who was picked by lot, we sure don’t know a lot! Never mind.

Rep: Whatever Si—sorry.

Peter: Anyway, as I said, we can hardly keep up with the new folks. Right now we’ve got all our information stored in sandal boxes. Had to dump the thongs to keep track of the throngs, you might say.

Rep: *blink* In any case, you can handle all that data with our state-of-the-art church management system. It has everything you need to help you keep up with the church’s growth. It’s a completely integrated software suite for PC or Mac. We do website design, check-in software, CMS. We even have a mobile app.

Peter: You talk funny.

Rep: Oh, sorry. All Greek to you, huh?

Peter: Uh-uh. Greek I know. Geek, not so much. Who did you say you’re with?

Rep: Elexio. It’s Greek for website.

Peter: Okay, I’m sold. Just one more thing: Use any font but Papyrus. That is SO last century.


This article was originally published in 2014 and was updated in April 2019.

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